I've finished the first week of preparation and I felt the need to share tonight.
I'm finding strength in Mary I never expected to find. For the first time in I can't remember how long I've had the ability, drive, and desire to actually assert my feelings and to my shock, instead of a poor pity party or worse, they have been received in the initially intended intent. I'm more than just a little bit stunned at the way today went.
I took a huge leap of Faith for me this weekend as I
finally completely ended my staff position at the place I have
volunteered for the past 6 years. It was time to go. In fact, it was
WELL past time to go. I'm glad I took that leap because it appears to
be paying off in huge dividends. Before this I often "closed off" other people at the pass. I was too busy being the Vice President of a national 501c3 to take ANY more onto my plate. I was strung out, overstressed, and maxed out mentally beyond belief. I officially resigned as VP in Jan. and have now stepped completely down from staff to just "minion volunteer".
Back to today: Normally a trip to town is laden with guilt as well as a side lacing of fear. I haven't been interacting well with others recently - I've just gotten too bottled up within myself because of all the "crazy".
Today I took my oldest into town. It was our last "Moobie and Mommy" day before I start my new health regimen tomorrow AM. We've done this for years - just him and I going and hanging out together. What surprised me was the people around me. People actually *gasp* TALKED to me. A person at a store, then another in the mall. Just random strangers and yet, somehow, the world was less....well, icky.
I then took my son to the library where they were having a chemistry session on fireworks. We ran into another homeschooling family I knew would be attending but you cannot imagine my shock when I realized they were attending with their Scout unit. As with the past 2 times we've been with these children they just folded my son in and took off with him. For us that's rare. Homeschooled kids out in the country don't get much in terms of "normal social experience". Our son is in Scouts, but our unit is only 5 children with only 2 in the "Boy Scout" rather than "Cub Scout" side.
Before I knew it after the event ended they'd whisked him off to their meeting and I was finding out from another Mom where to meet them and what time it ended. When I arrived I had the chance to talk with some of the leadership. I was told how well my son fit in, how impressed they were with him. They told me how interested they were in having him attend whenever he was available and how much they enjoyed having him. The kids even let him vote in their elections...and he's not even *really* one of them!
Where they meet is just down the street from our parish. I'd be able to go over and pray while he went to meetings and go for walks in the summer and maybe even a swim in the winter since the pool is the next block down. I came home hesitantly hopeful that my husband might understand the need for the extra trip 1-2 times a month to "visit" the other unit.
Imagine my shock when he looked at me after I'd tried to state our "case" well and he said, "Honey, he needs to be in a REAL unit" and left it there. I'm all in anxiety trying to figure out how to do this without hurting feelings. We're 50% of the leadership in our son's current unit. Leaving will be a GIANT gaping hole and could cost us the entire unit's charter. I need to pray on this.
God is clearing the path and making our family whole again one piece at a time. One pair of running shoes, one parka. One sleeping bag. One phone call, one person reaching out.
And to the gentleman that was so kind to us tonight at the meeting I left with a smile. Every time I meet him I end up crying. He must think I'm a watering pot! His love of children and Scouting just oozes from every pore.
Today, for the first time in many years outside my own home and here in MT, I felt blessed. Truly honored and blessed. No conditions thrown in, no "it's all on me". A genuine team interested in adding my assets as well as letting them fill in where my gaps stand. I don't have to be everything to everyone all the time any more and I haven't had that in a very very long time.